Yesterday, July 2, would have been my parents 56th wedding anniversary if my mom had not died almost 4 years ago. Milestones often remind us to take stock in our lives at the present moment. I am still not entirely sure I would be at this pivotal point in my own life if my mom was still alive. I think about it often and have the belief that in my mothers passing she gave me the gift of life yet again. This time around there is no time to waste.
And so it is here that I begin my story and my struggles with disordered eating, shame and self acceptance. Writing from what I now refer to as my home away from home in Longboat Key, Fl. I am here with my soul’s mate,Billy. This beautiful man has taught me what true partnership means and what it feels like to be loved exactly as I am. He is my soul’s mirror and because of his love and devotion, his support and respect, he has encouraged me wordlessly to go deeper into my own healing. The person he sees when he looks at me is the person I want to be and because of that I have had less fear looking into my patterns and the parts of me that once scared me so. It is not Billy that has made these changes. I can’t give him credit for my work. But I am grateful to have a partner that inspires me to keep digging deeper . To look inside with bravery and without judgment.
The pictures
Why at 52 am I posting pictures of myself in a bikini? It’s a great question and it is one I’ve been asking myself the past couple of days. Maybe it is to show that I am finally at a place of self acceptance and some measure of peace with my own image. It might be that as the honest yogi, this is what I have been most afraid to share out loud. My very best friend often reminds me that once we say the hardest truth out loud it loosens the hold over us. It allows us to release shame and guilt and gives us the ability to reclaim our authenticity and power. So go ahead and pinch the photo, get as close up as you need to. I am ready.
I see my body objectively, I think. I see the dimples in my belly and the wrinkles that line my face and the crepey skin that sags around my arms and knees. My eyesight is not what it used to be but I am not blind. As clearly as I see what lies on the outside, I am profoundly moved by what has transformed on the inside. I see more vividly, the incredible strength and determination and the set of balls I have in sending this out into the universe. I see a willingness to learn and expand. I see a woman… I see me. I have reclaimed my life and am living it with all of my purpose and potential. I can see the girl that tortured her body for most of her life and she is finally healing.
It has not happened overnight. Nothing does. It has been a process of self acceptance but I have made enough progress that I am willing to share these photos to step into my truth, share my struggles and the practices that have led me here.
Thank God my parents both blessed me with good genes. Knowing the damage I have done to my body internally and externally it is a blessing I look as good as I do.
I see my dimples and cellulite and I know they are there because of the challenges I have had with binge eating for over 30 years. It has been a hard truth to admit but I want to be FREE. Don't we all crave freedom? I know my outward appearance has everything to do with all that I ingested. Going up and down 20/30 lbs at a time over the course of my life has taken a toll. I know that my body grew twins at 40 years old but that really has less to do with it then the steady abuse I put it through. In my effort to numb out feelings I used food, alcohol, pot, television, sleep, shopping, and social media. I got to a place in my life where I had no idea that I had any control. I had no idea that I had choices and could create habits that would support and sustain the life I wanted to lead. I resigned myself that it was enough. For yours I felt that I was in the audience of the show that acted out my life. I am now center stage… the actor, the director, the author and the producer. I CHOOSE!
The physical practice of yoga has always been my gateway into feeling. The yoga philosophy and daily practices of meditation, breath-work, journaling and reading nourish my soul and fortify me. Dopamine fasting is something I find exciting and genuinely helpful in moderating my behavior as well as the work I've been doing on habits. Which we explore in great detail in our upcoming 2 part series July12 and August 2nd.
By no means am I at the end of this journey of self discovery but I am committed to staying on this path and to share what I have been through and what I have learned along the way. Even in the midst of my darkest hours of isolation and shame I knew I had a purpose for my life.
I believe that in sharing my photos and my story there may be someone who feels less alone. There may be something that resonates in my story that will hopefully spark your journey toward self acceptance and self mastery. We’ve got one very precious life to live and at 52 I can also tell you this; it goes by faster than you think.
Yoga Philosophy reminds us again and again that we are all one. The universal and the individual are one. This is always on my mind and in my heart. Our community and the connection we have with one another is most significant. From my own experience, isolating and turning inward only increases the shame we may feel but sharing and saying our deepest fears and truths generates healing for all.
If you feel compelled to share your story, I am here and it will always remain private. The intention of this blog post is to create an open dialog for healing and radical honesty without any judgment and to remind us that we are never alone.
I look forward to our partnership in bringing awareness and acceptance to these issues that have caused us to feel shame and isolation.
With so much love and gratitude,
xoxo
The Honest Yogi Sam
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